no match for you

there hasn't been training for two days already this week. I think I'll only be training once because sports school has their annual b div roll offs for national schools and there are no lanes.

so, finally it has been official that we're together. a whole bunch of messed up feelings surfaced before I entered the "confirm" button to allow the whole world to know we were an item. most girls would be thrilled to have that magical moment where everyone knows that there's someone out there who actually loves them for who they are. I should be like them too. why shouldn't I feel that way right? I mean, my boyfriend's sweet, kind, talented, handsome and a whole lot of positive adjectives that can be found in the dictionary. but it was feelings of fear that surfaced most. what would my coaches say? what would my friends say? what would my family and relatives say? how would they react? what were the repercussions that I might have to face on my own? were there even repercussions to be faced? so many questions running through my mind before pressing that button. I'm quite relieved nothing much happened after that. "quite" is actually a great understatement.

throughout the days that follow after the announcement of our relationship, many setbacks occurred as well. we constantly fought every single day. there's not much time for me to talk to him, to text him now that school has started. I wondered how I managed school, bowling and socialization with my friends even before we got together. nothing but a mystery now.

I'm blessed to have this wonderful person in my life. however, there are times where the things he says or the actions that he had made previously, hurt me. I know the past is the past an that's where it's meant to stay, but how can you honestly still be happy and jubilant when he tells you he has done it with a bunch of different girls? how can you remain at peace when he tells you that you're not the first in which he has done a certain action with? he has bought plenty of rings for many other girls, I suppose. I'm nothing special. not the first time he does it anyway.

that's about it. I am not special. I don't think I deserve him, and this inferior complex is punching me in the stomach every single damn time. I may seem confident and put on a smile wherever necessary or possible, but deep down inside, this relationship we share, I know it myself that there are other girls out there. not putting much hope. I do know that I've never loved anyone like him before but i'll never be able to show him everything because of this insecurity that's eating inside me every moment that I'm with him. he deserves better, and unfortunately, I am aware of it.