what have we become?

its funny how people change. how things change, how perspectives change, judgments change, etc. how you could hate someone so bad in one year and be best friend the next? this world, this life is so weird.

i used to tell you everything. we never were friends in the beginning of secondary school. eventually, we were inseparable whereby we waited for each other for each and every meal. its amazing how everything changed so quickly. we dont even talk now and the girl whom you used to be friends with, then enemies, is your best friend now. of course one should say "who cares? there are plenty of people out there. she's just one of the passing clouds." i dont think you are. you're someone whom i actually do cherish. we used to meet up for dinner, lunch, breakfast, any time of the day. when i was upset, i'd call you and when you had problems with your mum, you'd call me. we even worked in the same ice-cream shop together. i still laugh so bad whenever i think abt the time you dropped all of the coins behind the counter and had to pick everything up.

i miss you. i miss whatever we shared, whatever we had. i dont think by me texting you it'll help in any way. you'd probably just scoff and assume that i was being "fake" or whatever else you always judge me by. you called me fake, pretentious and so many hurtful words. you always doubt the purest of intentions that i possess. you nvr want me to judge you but you always judge me. every single thing i do or tell you, they're being judged. of course everyone judges, but your judgments and remarks, can totally tear one's heart apart. but whatever it is, i still treat you one of the best in my friends list. i guess one really shouldnt keep giving. it will eventually break you down.

i guess we're no longer friends anymore?

my corpse

before i realized, i was on your profile. looking through your pictures and your wall. how everyone still misses you. coincidentally, avril lavigne's "wish you were here" song played on my iTunes. call it coincidence or whatever you want, but i have a feeling its fate. i know you're somewhere out there looking down on me, wishing me all the best. i can't help but to break down yet again. there were so many things we had to do together still. 

you never failed to either make me happy or the other way ard. its nicer i was damn happy with you, or i was super pissed off at you. it was either or, never an in between. maybe that's how you want me to remember you by. a person whom i can never have a fixed emotion with at all. you were a really great friend and i've loved you unconditionally ever since. i hope you're doing good in heaven. wait for me.

no match for you

there hasn't been training for two days already this week. I think I'll only be training once because sports school has their annual b div roll offs for national schools and there are no lanes.

so, finally it has been official that we're together. a whole bunch of messed up feelings surfaced before I entered the "confirm" button to allow the whole world to know we were an item. most girls would be thrilled to have that magical moment where everyone knows that there's someone out there who actually loves them for who they are. I should be like them too. why shouldn't I feel that way right? I mean, my boyfriend's sweet, kind, talented, handsome and a whole lot of positive adjectives that can be found in the dictionary. but it was feelings of fear that surfaced most. what would my coaches say? what would my friends say? what would my family and relatives say? how would they react? what were the repercussions that I might have to face on my own? were there even repercussions to be faced? so many questions running through my mind before pressing that button. I'm quite relieved nothing much happened after that. "quite" is actually a great understatement.

throughout the days that follow after the announcement of our relationship, many setbacks occurred as well. we constantly fought every single day. there's not much time for me to talk to him, to text him now that school has started. I wondered how I managed school, bowling and socialization with my friends even before we got together. nothing but a mystery now.

I'm blessed to have this wonderful person in my life. however, there are times where the things he says or the actions that he had made previously, hurt me. I know the past is the past an that's where it's meant to stay, but how can you honestly still be happy and jubilant when he tells you he has done it with a bunch of different girls? how can you remain at peace when he tells you that you're not the first in which he has done a certain action with? he has bought plenty of rings for many other girls, I suppose. I'm nothing special. not the first time he does it anyway.

that's about it. I am not special. I don't think I deserve him, and this inferior complex is punching me in the stomach every single damn time. I may seem confident and put on a smile wherever necessary or possible, but deep down inside, this relationship we share, I know it myself that there are other girls out there. not putting much hope. I do know that I've never loved anyone like him before but i'll never be able to show him everything because of this insecurity that's eating inside me every moment that I'm with him. he deserves better, and unfortunately, I am aware of it.

you know me better than I know myself

had a massive fight with him today. actually, tonight.

nonetheless, you're psychic and you
know exactly what I was gna say or what I was thinking.

I still love you, regardless of the pain you put me through.

so many things to be blogged about but i dont think i will because there isnt much time.

so after milo, we took a trip to london and paris! pictures up on facebook. it was awesome but i doubt i'll go there anytime soon. i can't stand the cold ): i'd probably forever stay in singapore or those tropical countries.

school just started ytd. we're still year one and we're taking up sociology this module. seems rather interesting however our facilitator's a filipino.. i mean okay yeah i'm not racist against them or anything. its just that i rlly cannot stand their language and the walk they talk. but of course, they're really handsome and pretty. i mean come on, imagine malay girls who're fair with big eyes, skinny bodies and straight white teeth? even i'd date one of them, IF they did not possess a filipino accent. but, to my dismay, our faci does have a filipino accent. but ohwell, i kinda like the way he teaches. hope for the best for this module!

boarding wise, i got habbs as my rooomie! ♥♥♥ whiny and kimmy's over in the other side hehehe. we got my old room last year. balls got my old bed and i got mich's old bed. i kinda miss her. we did almost everything tgt: showers, gym, trng, hmwrk, everything. so her absence kinda affected me a lot. i think she's doing rlly well there and i'm sure she'll be happy with sam and studies over there. even if she doesnt, i'm sure she'll know what to do. she always knew what to do with her life.

AYC is like in 20 days. actually, its exactly 3 weeks till we depart for Egypt. i srsly cannot wait for it. i just got a new ball ytd called misson x and its supposed to be for long oil. didnt rlly have much time to try it out because we had psychology right after. its kinda cool that we're actually gna go to EGYPT. however there's like conflicts and stuff going on there so i hope things go well there!

baby's supposed to be coming on thursday this week. i'd probably meet him for a while before heading home and meet him again the next day. well, it was kinda confirmed however ytd his coach just told him that they might have a roll off for the tournament in Japan. sigh )': i really miss him. zyger and his cologne cant make it up.

oh, and kimmy love reminded me to blog hehehe. ♥