back

well, i guess i'm back here again. the last time i posted was two years back i think. the last time i posted i had doubts, troubles, uncertainties. i didn't update anymore after that. why, you might ask? because i was happy. so why am i back here again? 

it's getting really tough, having no one to turn to, having no one to call any time just to hear their voice, having no one to meet up with, having no one to hug and kiss and share everything tgt with. the one i love is just so far away from me. and the scary part? he seems to be getting further and further away from me. 

i never thought of myself as someone who was controlling or those who got easily jealous. i never was. initially, i was carefree. i couldn't care less about what anything. he, however, was the opposite. he was controlling, the one who got easily jealous. he didn't like me texting other guys, he didn't like me talking to other guys, he didn't even like me looking at other guys. we fought a lot because of his behaviour then. we fought about a lot of things. right now, its the other way round. right now, its all backwards.

sometimes i feel like letting it all go. sometimes i let my feelings get the best of me, i let my anger, frustrations, anxiety take over and type the words "I can't stand this anymore. Let's break up." sometimes i think of it, but i dont actually have the courage to send it. other times, i dont even type those dreadful words. why dreadful? because that's not what i want. i want him. throughout our relationship, it was him who changed me, it was him who made me a better person. it was him whom i had fallen in love with deeper and deeper with each passing day. it was him who took such great care of me. it was him who loved me. it was him. how could i let go of someone so precious? i can't. even my heart, my brain, my whole body knows that i cant.

they say that the truest forms of love require the deepest of pains. i pray to god that he lets me get through this. everyday, help me..